Tuesday, 19 July 2011

Shadows && Fear; Night-time Torture.

If this goodbye is forever; I pray you remember the good and not the bad, I hope you re-write all the happy and forget about all the sad, I wish for you to remember the love and not the hate and realize that sometimes bad things are just fate.
 More and more, suicide is looking like the only way out, I can't think straight, can't focus, the best of everything is to just sleep, and night-time sleeping is not happening because of the thoughts, of the shadows, and the sounds and song.
One, Two; He's coming for you
Three, Four; Better lock the door
Five, Six; Grab a crucifix
Seven, Eight; Better stay up late
Nine, Ten; Never sleep again
This shouldn't be happening, I don't even believe in this stuff, just good things to make films about.. I keep telling myself it's not real and the shadow pauses and the floor shifts, like I can believe it.. this is real.. I cannot see it another way.. Too much fear held so near..

I just want to die, I just want to die, I just want to die.

It's too late for help now. 
There coming for me, and it's my time.

Monday, 18 July 2011

Difficulty in Paradise..

  •  No-body ever said it would be easy; although no-body ever said it would be this hard..
  • No-body ever told me how much it hurts to let go..To lose yourself, and to be at points where hurting yourself actually hurts less than what's inside of your head..
  • No-body ever said that you can prefer to end your life than deal with the agony of being alive..
  • No-body ever told me that my very first best friend would use and abuse me, in many ways for nearly a decade. 
  • No-body ever told me that he never had the right to do that, or that I was worth enough to have better than him and all his pain. 
Sometimes, life is about what you find out for yourself.. Not that that will make the bad parts any easier to deal with.. Falling like this is hurting beyond belief.. Not knowing what to believe and who to trust, I know I am not worth any better than this pain, yet I still can't bear to feel it.. but what about if it was to follow me into the after-life.. then what would I do.. Suicide, feels right, feels necessary, however do we ever know what we're getting ourselves into.. with life, with death. Self-harm becomes a barrier, but what to do, when the barrier is broken, when the pain is too much and the fear not enough.. welcome to my life.. if you have the answers I would love to know.

Sunday, 17 July 2011

More Like My Mum Then I'd Like To Admit.

It's weird to think when you grow older about how your parents are change.. My relationship with my parent's, although more my Mum when I was young and pretty much until I left home at 17 was pretty shit, all we did was argue! There was nothing we could agree on.. curfew, meal times and whether I would actually eat it or not.. many problems that ended up blown way out of proportion by to extreme clashing personalities. She kicked me out of the house millions of times, hit me occasionally and seemed to take great joy in refusing me time with the family when she felt I didn't deserve it. Both of us stubborn, opinionated and determined to have the last word was never going to be a positive interaction. In calmer moments we spoke briefly, and my Mum always told me that it was the same between her and her Mum and that it improved once she moved out.. be that as it may be, I can often remember thinking so why can't we have a good relationship now? Being told at most ages between 9 and 17 that I would have to wait till I left home to have the relationship I wanted with my Mum hurt beyond hell. I couldn't understand at the time why it just never worked but looking back in hindsight I understand we were too similar to be able to work through things we disagreed on; plus as a 14 year old who feels like they know it all when in fact they don't, feels like their parent is only refusing them for the pure sake of being able to and the fact there was plenty of things I hadn't told them, having secrets made it so much easier to allow myself others. I'm not saying things were perfect when I left home by any means.. my Mum seemed to forget that now I wasn't living in 'her house' that I didn't have to live by 'her rules' and for months and months she continued to try and control the life I was having without her.. but then, when hospitalized and I phoned my Mum to ask her to help me; she was there. When I lived at home I had never asked my Mum or anyone in my family to help me and I think it became a turning point. She realized that I was growing up and that she couldn't control me anymore and I realized that she did genuinely care but struggled to show it and it was only because I wasn't still living at home that I came to recognize that they went out of their way to help me when they didn't have to. My Mum has always struggled with showing her emotions [other than anger] and I never knew, and always doubted growing up, that she loved me. The first time I can remember her actually saying it was about a year after I moved out of home, I was 18 and for the first time my Mum told me she loved me. Last year my Mum suffered a cardiac arrest, she was on life-support to the highest level they could provide and spoke of turning the machines off. Supporting my sisters and we all were meant to say our last goodbyes but two of them walked out after seeing Mum hooked up to all the wires and machinery. I refused to say goodbye. I told her I was sorry for not being who she wanted me to be and that I fully expected her to wake up for us because we all needed her and who else would keep the girls in line. We were given another 4 hours - regarding if no improvement the machines will be turned off because my Dad did not realize that his permission wasn't required and he broke down. About 10 minutes before the 4 hours were up my Mum's kidneys started trying to work for themselves, this is the kind of thing we needed; we got more time. Mum survived. She came out of her coma within a couple of weeks but in essence, she was not Mum. Brain-damaged and due to her ICD implant she was unable to have an MRI scan to assess the severity of the damage. She also woke up not knowing who anyone was - other than her Mum and my Dad sort of, although she kindly remarked on his 'sudden weight gain' She had no knowledge of us, her children.. She woke up and was as far as she was concerned - young, free and single :) When in fact she was almost 40, had been married for nearly 20 years and had 4 children. Once she was well enough, and they felt her heart was stable enough, she was moved to a rehabilitation centre. She was away from home for just over 7 months. Within that time, me and one of my other sisters had pretty much maintained things at home.. some things were struggling.. boundaries became blurred as the 'kids' of the house did more to look out for each other then the adults because Dad was always at work. When visiting her, me and my Mum seemed to argue all the time, at the rehabilitation she was relearning all the basics, walking, talking, washing and dressing herself etc.. they were also working on trying to improve her memory. We argued to the point that my Dad often told me not to go with them the next time they went. During this time my own mood swings seemed to be becoming worse but I mentioned it to no-one because Mum was more important and no-body else needed the stress on top of what was already there. We also found out that my Mum had been sexually abused by her father when she was young, with my own experiences in the matter, all of her distance and inability to show love for me made sense. However Mum who had not remembered this became understandably distressed and my Dad was ready to kill my uncle [theoretically] After being told she was depressed, and refusing medication for it, everyone worried even more.. she talked off killing herself, and although it was unlikely because she couldn't walk properly, hold her own weight or have access to any medication it hurt to know what she was thinking of, however I remember her being like this when we were growing up.. on and off, depression and anger, but alongside the anger lots of cleaning and singing.. Recognizing so much of her in me is scary. I wouldn't say I have the anger, I used to, when I was younger I was angry, so angry all the time, with everyone and everything - but the cleaning and the singing is most definitely there. When I was a teen I always thought there was something 'mentally' wrong with her but being the way she is, she would refuse contact with services and deny any problems until she was blue in the face. Always amazing with her facade was my mother. My Mum was always the strong one for the family.. she held everything together.. nothing went amiss and everything was in it's place.. that is partly why I feel we clashed. We are both control-freaks.. the difference being I intensely try to control myself and she intensely tries to control other people and herself. I love her, and the way she is now means we often get along a lot better than we did before she was ill.. however I often catch myself thinking that this just isn't my Mum. I don't want someone to argue with, but I want the person who has all the memories of my childhood, my life, her life.. I want the only person that I can resolve a lot of the questions in my head with.. Did she really not notice anything was going on when I was being abused? Did she really hate me? Why tell me she regretted me if she never meant it? Why was I never good enough and always the big disappointment to her? Why couldn't you tell me you loved me? Why did you have an affair? Many and plenty in between but I will never know these answers now, because the Mum I've got left, doesn't remember any of it.

Tuesday, 12 July 2011

Suicide Is Not The Answer; But Niether Is Living.

Today has been difficult, sometimes I really get annoyed my boyfriend.. he's driving me mad.. He seems to be trying to gain attention over my recent difficulties [he has his own mental health problems - although they have been in remission for about 4 years] I understand it being difficult for him too; but his constant need to feel like he's on my mind, in my attention.. I have bigger things to worry about right now! He's also not liking my 'No Physical Contact' rule.. It's pretty much down to an occasional hug, and after how close we have been during my recent 'High' mood.. lots of sex.. constantly close, always wanting him around.. yet now I can barely cope with being in the same room as him, let alone being close.. and also sex.. a real no-go. I realise that a lot of these feelings could be my low mood talking.. I keep thinking that us breaking up is the best option..  At this very moment the main reason being to get some peace whilst I feel so shit!  I worry because I could be pregnant.. if I am I would be 5+4 I worry about possibly being hormonal on top of everything else, I truly don't want to make big decisions that I might regret whilst in this mood episode. I self-harmed last night and it's taking everything I have to not do it tonight.. I can't stop thinking about suicide, my only relief is that I seem to be sleeping a fair amount.. between about 10-15 hours a day.. Still tired all the rest of the time but the anxiety that kicks in seems to be making things more awake for the rest of those days. Things would be less complicated if my period just turned up and I didn't have that to worry about.. The shadows are getting worse tonight.. I was hearing footsteps earlier.. mainly just general anxiety for the moment.. I suppose I scared of it all getting worse. The devil may be trying to get me; sending out his demons to figure out how to ensure it, but I'm still not sure I believe in God.. Maybe it's weird to believe in one but not the other, I'm sure what the answer is.. I don't believe in an 'all power' but evil, power, greed.. all makes sense.. I am a very bad person, I'm a murderer.. I'm a liar, a cheat.. I have deserved everything that's ever happened or ever will happen.. but that doesn't stop me being scared. I'd prefer to believe in Heaven, but that's only really been since my Nan died - I'm happier thinking that she is somewhere lovely and happy there, then to think that's she is gone forever.. My genuine thought is that it doesn't exist.. However Hell is a different matter.. It is genuinely proved that the center of the earth is a million upon million degrees hotter then the surface.  I just know this is real. An instinct if you like.

Monday, 11 July 2011

Dream Catch Me, When I Fall Or Else..

Falling apart recently; hearing music.. seeing things out the corners of my eyes; 
Turn and look and there's nobody there. Dark, shadowy figures with the evil feel about them. Feeling tense. On edge. Mood is getting lower and lower and the only thing keeping me functioning slightly is the anxiety! Not sure what to do, what to think.. trying to get back in the habit of blogging because I know it can help me but scared in case it's able to be seen.. 
Stupid, stupid paranoia. I hate this, I hate who I am, that I am this.. Not sure how to cope..
So so scared all the time, thinking, feeling like 'they're' close.. watching.. waiting..
Where is the barrier between this being 'in your mind' and 'real'  

Trying to remain level-headed is harder than I thought.. Trying to persuade myself it's not real but my instinctual reaction is that that works with it being real.  This morning during my support, I noticed someone outside the door, looking through the blinds and heard something, suddenly my neighbor jumped in, I freaked out, screamed, and then burst into tears scared that this was someone who was out to get me, before realizing it was my neighbor and feeling stupid and on edge again..

Thinking about suicide again.. Self-harm.. bad, horrible thoughts, I was considering going to the train station this morning.. Not walking that way shouldn't be so hard.. Needing this.. pain, this urgency to hurt myself is driving me mad. It is not normal to want to hurt yourself.. I know that, and when I'm feeling good, I'm able to keep a complete lid on it, it doesn't even occur to me that it's something that needs to happen.. I know this, yet when my mood drops, it's back to my old ways, the before ways, the causing myself pain to function part of my life. 

Plus, I keep having fears that I'll be possessed and end up hurting people I know and love.. Not a very in depth fear for the moment.. but something that is crossing my mind.. What if these 'demons' are to try and get the most out of me before I die.. what if I am used to hurt others? I almost feel like I have to avoid other people in case I'm possessed and I hurt them..  
On another note; does anyone know how you know if your possessed? Or things that could mean it...