Suicide Is Not The Answer; But Niether Is Living.

Today has been difficult, sometimes I really get annoyed my boyfriend.. he's driving me mad.. He seems to be trying to gain attention over my recent difficulties [he has his own mental health problems - although they have been in remission for about 4 years] I understand it being difficult for him too; but his constant need to feel like he's on my mind, in my attention.. I have bigger things to worry about right now! He's also not liking my 'No Physical Contact' rule.. It's pretty much down to an occasional hug, and after how close we have been during my recent 'High' mood.. lots of sex.. constantly close, always wanting him around.. yet now I can barely cope with being in the same room as him, let alone being close.. and also sex.. a real no-go. I realise that a lot of these feelings could be my low mood talking.. I keep thinking that us breaking up is the best option..  At this very moment the main reason being to get some peace whilst I feel so shit!  I worry because I could be pregnant.. if I am I would be 5+4 I worry about possibly being hormonal on top of everything else, I truly don't want to make big decisions that I might regret whilst in this mood episode. I self-harmed last night and it's taking everything I have to not do it tonight.. I can't stop thinking about suicide, my only relief is that I seem to be sleeping a fair amount.. between about 10-15 hours a day.. Still tired all the rest of the time but the anxiety that kicks in seems to be making things more awake for the rest of those days. Things would be less complicated if my period just turned up and I didn't have that to worry about.. The shadows are getting worse tonight.. I was hearing footsteps earlier.. mainly just general anxiety for the moment.. I suppose I scared of it all getting worse. The devil may be trying to get me; sending out his demons to figure out how to ensure it, but I'm still not sure I believe in God.. Maybe it's weird to believe in one but not the other, I'm sure what the answer is.. I don't believe in an 'all power' but evil, power, greed.. all makes sense.. I am a very bad person, I'm a murderer.. I'm a liar, a cheat.. I have deserved everything that's ever happened or ever will happen.. but that doesn't stop me being scared. I'd prefer to believe in Heaven, but that's only really been since my Nan died - I'm happier thinking that she is somewhere lovely and happy there, then to think that's she is gone forever.. My genuine thought is that it doesn't exist.. However Hell is a different matter.. It is genuinely proved that the center of the earth is a million upon million degrees hotter then the surface.  I just know this is real. An instinct if you like.