Dream Catch Me, When I Fall Or Else..

 

Falling apart recently; hearing music.. seeing things out the corners of my eyes; 

Turn and look and there's nobody there. Dark, shadowy figures with the evil feel about them. Feeling tense. On edge. Mood is getting lower and lower and the only thing keeping me functioning slightly is the anxiety! Not sure what to do, what to think.. trying to get back in the habit of blogging because I know it can help me but scared in case it's able to be seen.. 

Stupid, stupid paranoia. I hate this, I hate who I am, that I am this.. Not sure how to cope..

So so scared all the time, thinking, feeling like 'they're' close.. watching.. waiting..

Where is the barrier between this being 'in your mind' and 'real'  

Trying to remain level-headed is harder than I thought.. Trying to persuade myself it's not real but my instinctual reaction is that that works with it being real.  This morning during my support, I noticed someone outside the door, looking through the blinds and heard something, suddenly my neighbor jumped in, I freaked out, screamed, and then burst into tears scared that this was someone who was out to get me, before realizing it was my neighbor and feeling stupid and on edge again..

Thinking about suicide again.. Self-harm.. bad, horrible thoughts, I was considering going to the train station this morning.. Not walking that way shouldn't be so hard.. Needing this.. pain, this urgency to hurt myself is driving me mad. It is not normal to want to hurt yourself.. I know that, and when I'm feeling good, I'm able to keep a complete lid on it, it doesn't even occur to me that it's something that needs to happen.. I know this, yet when my mood drops, it's back to my old ways, the before ways, the causing myself pain to function part of my life. 

Plus, I keep having fears that I'll be possessed and end up hurting people I know and love.. Not a very in depth fear for the moment.. but something that is crossing my mind.. What if these 'demons' are to try and get the most out of me before I die.. what if I am used to hurt others? I almost feel like I have to avoid other people in case I'm possessed and I hurt them..  

On another note; does anyone know how you know if your possessed? Or things that could mean it...